What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 09:26
Who then, do I blame.?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
What is a narcissist grandmother like, with her grandchild?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
This is soul school!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
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We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Which is a better option, a love marriage or an arranged marriage in India?
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why are there so many single moms in America?
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I don,t even have a pension.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
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Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I waited trembling.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
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When she asked me how she looked .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
What are some dirty secrets of Indian (Bollywood, etc.) actors and actresses?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
How has your life changed since starting college?
I will be 64.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
How do police officers feel about the fear they instill into criminals?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I could never make a relationship work though!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I said to her
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
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So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What did i know ?
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I couldn’t, believe it.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Comes on , in middle age.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She was in good health!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
All the time i was locked up.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
So, i spoilt her more .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
It was going to be , some day.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But, we were locked up after school.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But it wasn’t much.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
As i do to all so called friends.?
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Put me off passion for life!!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I was scared of men, in general
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I was very sick at this time too.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I write beautiful poetry .
Im still living with it.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
I think the readers, may guess!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He knew the spot.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She wouldn,t have been !
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
We all went to grammer schools
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
And i lived it daily.
I was 9 years of age.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Ive learnt so much.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
She found it foreign!.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
She loved him until the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I have no regrets .
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He resisted the act ,that day.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We were not on the streets..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
My life is so biszare .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Would this be the day?
One cannot live in the past .